Tips for the Office Holiday Party
Well, our yearly "holiday party" is coming up again tomorrow night. I have to put it in quotations because the office secretary (read: office supply Nazi - and no I do not use that term lightly) likes to bitch and whine about how it's so dumb that we can't call it a Christmas party and blah blah blah being politically correct sucks. She's very vehement. She loves to bitch and whine to the CEO about this; who's Jewish.
So, in light of the timing I thought I would put a few tips together for all of those who must go to their parties. Yes, you MUST go. People like to ask you for RSVP's like it's optional. Let me tell you, it's definitely not optional to go. This is really a survival guide, but I like making lists; so I've completed it in list format, in no particular order.
1) Tell the person organizing the party about how great their job was on last years - and how wonderful it was. Really - you want to get the inside scoop on when the bar opens and closes so that you can stay buzzed all night. If your company is at all like my company - they only have the open bar during "cocktail hour" - and once dinner starts there's no more booze and a very very very long couple of speeches to get through. Make sure that you grab a couple extra drinks right before the bar closes so that you can get through the rest of the night.
Bonus points if you can convince the bar tender to stay open for longer for free by getting you co-workers to tip him/her well.
or the 16 year old baby-sitter. These make excellent choices for 2) Coordinate with your co-workers to car pool. Laud to everyone about the high price of gas and how you "have to drive all the way across town to get to the holiday party." Make sure you pick someone else to be the driver. Really - you just want to get and stay buzzed all night and you need to make sure you have a safe drive home. Generally pick people who have children that live "close" to you; they don't tend to want to be on the floor in front of their three year oldsDDs.
Bonus points: If you can convince the person with the best car - even though your house is the furthest away from you - and closest to the part to pick you up to "save gas."
3) Make sure that you dress appropriately. You do not want to look too dressed up or too dressed down. You also want to make sure that you look much better than you do on a normal work day. You want to fit in - but look hot in comparison to your co-workers. This way it makes it much easier for you to convince the single guys/girls at the party to get you an extra drink every time one of them goes up to the bar.
For extra points, be sure that the few days before the holiday party that you dress like you just rolled out of bed. Do the rounds at your company and that everyone sees you in your crumpled slightly smelly maybe a ketchup stained company work shirt and an obviously re-worn pair of khaki pants. This will add that extra "transformation" effect to all the single-guys when you arrive freshly showered and your legs shaved.
4) Remember to mingle with everyone. If you ever want to know what is going on in your office - you have to talk to everyone and figure it out. This way - you can learn all the latest goings ons - from who's screwing who - to what the latest and greatest industry trends are.
For extra points: Spread rumors about a hostile corporate take over and how the CEO doesn't know about it yet. Whisper this to people and make sure that the entire group is completely silent every time he walks by; tell everyone to "keep it on the DL" - especially the office gossip who can never keep her mouth shut in front of people.
5) Put on a happy face. Even if you aren't a happy person - saying mean things about colleagues with a shit-eating grin will make them think that you are just being sarcastic. Be nice to everyone; especially the hot guy/girl in the office - they might even hook up with you if you give them enough to drink. The next day at work, be sure to let everyone know that you are only nice at the holiday party being extra mean and as annoying as possible.
Extra points: Be especially nice to your boss - and promptly hand in your resignation as soon as the bonus check clears.
So, in light of the timing I thought I would put a few tips together for all of those who must go to their parties. Yes, you MUST go. People like to ask you for RSVP's like it's optional. Let me tell you, it's definitely not optional to go. This is really a survival guide, but I like making lists; so I've completed it in list format, in no particular order.
1) Tell the person organizing the party about how great their job was on last years - and how wonderful it was. Really - you want to get the inside scoop on when the bar opens and closes so that you can stay buzzed all night. If your company is at all like my company - they only have the open bar during "cocktail hour" - and once dinner starts there's no more booze and a very very very long couple of speeches to get through. Make sure that you grab a couple extra drinks right before the bar closes so that you can get through the rest of the night.
Bonus points if you can convince the bar tender to stay open for longer for free by getting you co-workers to tip him/her well.
or the 16 year old baby-sitter. These make excellent choices for 2) Coordinate with your co-workers to car pool. Laud to everyone about the high price of gas and how you "have to drive all the way across town to get to the holiday party." Make sure you pick someone else to be the driver. Really - you just want to get and stay buzzed all night and you need to make sure you have a safe drive home. Generally pick people who have children that live "close" to you; they don't tend to want to be on the floor in front of their three year oldsDDs.
Bonus points: If you can convince the person with the best car - even though your house is the furthest away from you - and closest to the part to pick you up to "save gas."
3) Make sure that you dress appropriately. You do not want to look too dressed up or too dressed down. You also want to make sure that you look much better than you do on a normal work day. You want to fit in - but look hot in comparison to your co-workers. This way it makes it much easier for you to convince the single guys/girls at the party to get you an extra drink every time one of them goes up to the bar.
For extra points, be sure that the few days before the holiday party that you dress like you just rolled out of bed. Do the rounds at your company and that everyone sees you in your crumpled slightly smelly maybe a ketchup stained company work shirt and an obviously re-worn pair of khaki pants. This will add that extra "transformation" effect to all the single-guys when you arrive freshly showered and your legs shaved.
4) Remember to mingle with everyone. If you ever want to know what is going on in your office - you have to talk to everyone and figure it out. This way - you can learn all the latest goings ons - from who's screwing who - to what the latest and greatest industry trends are.
For extra points: Spread rumors about a hostile corporate take over and how the CEO doesn't know about it yet. Whisper this to people and make sure that the entire group is completely silent every time he walks by; tell everyone to "keep it on the DL" - especially the office gossip who can never keep her mouth shut in front of people.
5) Put on a happy face. Even if you aren't a happy person - saying mean things about colleagues with a shit-eating grin will make them think that you are just being sarcastic. Be nice to everyone; especially the hot guy/girl in the office - they might even hook up with you if you give them enough to drink. The next day at work, be sure to let everyone know that you are only nice at the holiday party being extra mean and as annoying as possible.
Extra points: Be especially nice to your boss - and promptly hand in your resignation as soon as the bonus check clears.
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