Struggle
I guess I am really starting to struggle with what everyone else who just graduated and got a job is. What is really my purpose in life? I know work is not all of life, but what really is worth more? I think to an extent people who are still in school are widely shielded from this. In college they tell you to pick a major, and you pick one. Vicarious as my choice may have been it seemed sound, and like a clear career path at the time. Ignorance was bliss.
Only upon the imanant(sic?) graduation day did the truth start to surface on the reflecting pool of life. It's just not as simple as I thought it was. There are hundreds of thousands of places to work, hundreds of positions within my field that I could chose from, or I could deviate from my field (which I did slightly -- well let's be realistic, A LOT). Then once you start working there are a lot of choices about how much personal responsibility you chose to take on, how you choose to conduct your self, how you deal with challenges etc. It really is eye opening. I don't want to say I'm over whelmed with choices exactly, but rather I can't decide on what basis I should make these choices. For so long my parents (ie. mommykins) has given me at least the idea that I was truely chosing for myself (in all reality she was carefully crafting her responses to stear me in the right direction). This ... self deception has now lead me to this vast divide, between what I've always thought I should be doing, and what all the options are.
I guess it all boils down to self-doubt. I have times when I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and will make bold decisions that take me another few steps forward in both life and starting a career. Then these horrible moments of self-doubt sweep in, making me second guess myself, my choices, and my motivations, much less my work. I still don't really know how to deal with these moment. Most times I try to ignore them and distract myself with something else (PB anyone?). I've really come to believe that's what happens for your whole life, especially after talking to my family some of whom are wildly sucessfull and others who couldn't rub two quarters together. It seems that everyone doubts themselves and their decisions. But what really makes a differece is not confidence in yourself, but rather what you do when you are doubting yourself. Do you choose to bemoan the fact and complain about how life sucks but make no actions, do you make a semi-instantaeous decision and see where it leads you with little thought about the consequence of your decision, or do you ignore it and try to make the best of the current situation? Struggle on my friends, as there will be darker days ahead. But just remember this -- everyone out there doubts themselves and their choices, some just don't wear it on their sleeve.
Only upon the imanant(sic?) graduation day did the truth start to surface on the reflecting pool of life. It's just not as simple as I thought it was. There are hundreds of thousands of places to work, hundreds of positions within my field that I could chose from, or I could deviate from my field (which I did slightly -- well let's be realistic, A LOT). Then once you start working there are a lot of choices about how much personal responsibility you chose to take on, how you choose to conduct your self, how you deal with challenges etc. It really is eye opening. I don't want to say I'm over whelmed with choices exactly, but rather I can't decide on what basis I should make these choices. For so long my parents (ie. mommykins) has given me at least the idea that I was truely chosing for myself (in all reality she was carefully crafting her responses to stear me in the right direction). This ... self deception has now lead me to this vast divide, between what I've always thought I should be doing, and what all the options are.
I guess it all boils down to self-doubt. I have times when I'm confident in myself and my abilities, and will make bold decisions that take me another few steps forward in both life and starting a career. Then these horrible moments of self-doubt sweep in, making me second guess myself, my choices, and my motivations, much less my work. I still don't really know how to deal with these moment. Most times I try to ignore them and distract myself with something else (PB anyone?). I've really come to believe that's what happens for your whole life, especially after talking to my family some of whom are wildly sucessfull and others who couldn't rub two quarters together. It seems that everyone doubts themselves and their decisions. But what really makes a differece is not confidence in yourself, but rather what you do when you are doubting yourself. Do you choose to bemoan the fact and complain about how life sucks but make no actions, do you make a semi-instantaeous decision and see where it leads you with little thought about the consequence of your decision, or do you ignore it and try to make the best of the current situation? Struggle on my friends, as there will be darker days ahead. But just remember this -- everyone out there doubts themselves and their choices, some just don't wear it on their sleeve.
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